Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Editor and Carly Go to the Movies (and Then Realize They've Made a Huge Mistake)

Hey kiddies! Sorry for being so neglectful with the posting lately. It's Summer, and it's beautiful, and we're having one of those "baby things" in six weeks, so I'm trying to pack in as many projects as I can before D-day. All that means is that I won't be posting as frequently, I will however try and stick to at LEAST an every other day schedule. I think between Evan T. and myself, we can pull that off.

So, there is a reason that Evan T. is my "just released" movie critic, and last night I was reminded why. Evan T. has this unique ability to not mind being anchovied into a movie theater with a bunch of idiots, whereas I just end up losing a little bit of humanity every time I decide to venture outside of my house to see a movie. The Editor and I had a free movie ticket that expired yesterday, and that is about the ONLY reason we went out on a Friday night to see a movie.

The movie we went to see was "Bridesmaids", which was very good. However, the people that a movie like "Bridesmaids" attracts, are the worst. We were surrounded by a bunch of chicks who didn't seem to know that they were in public, because they felt that they needed to A) constantly check their cell phone for the time, and B) explain the onscreen jokes to the other members of their party (eg: "OMG! There are NO lights on her car AT ALL!"). No shit Sherlock. That was the joke.

I hate being sandwiched in next to strangers as well. I believe I have expressed this displeasure in the past. I don't understand why, if I'm paying nearly $11 for a ticket, I have to be subjected to other people's ridiculousness. The guy I was next to wasn't bad last night, but it was amazing trying to watch him and his wife (who showed up just as the show was starting, so she she had to sit diagonally in front of him to make sure they could fill the theater to max capacity) try and communicate. It was like he was trying to land a plane. Outstanding.

Also, going to the movies makes me realize how shitty Hollywood is. It makes me realize that they make shitty movies, and they think that the public is a bunch of morons. I swear to God, two of the movie trailers we saw last night were for the same movie.

The first shitty movie we watched a preview was for a glorious turd called "Bad Teacher" starring Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. If when you read those names, you said "OMG! I LOVE Justin Timberlake and/or Cameron Diaz!!!!", you should really not be on this website, and you should probably think about killing yourself.

Cameron Diaz is looking OLLLLLLLD. I realize that people do that. They age, but I feel like if you're doing it gracefully, you can pull it off. Ol' busted face Diaz is still trying to be a sex symbol, and it's just not working for me. Like, at all. And don't even get me started on Timberlake. I liked him in "The Social Network", but mainly because I feel like he didn't need to act. I sincerely feel that in real life, JT is probably an egotistical, narcissistic, asshole who thinks he's funny, and because he's so successful, everyone around him encourages his douchebaggery. I mean, you have to be a total shithead to be in a long term relationship with Jessica Biel, right?

This movie looks terrible. BUT people will go see it. And that makes me so sad. I made a bet with The Editor that it even makes #1 at the box office the week it comes out. It's coming out between "X-Men: First Class" and "Captain America", so that could very well happen.

The next shitty movie up for grabs is "Larry Crowne", which just basically looks like "Bad Teacher", only with people who used to be huge stars, and now just need a paycheck. I'm talking about Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks.

I know what you're thinking. "Carly, didn't I just watch a younger version of that trailer in the trailer above?". Answer: yes. Tom Hanks is the bumbling dork who can't catch a break. Julia Roberts is his hot professor. And guess what guys? THEY FALL IN LOOOOOOVEEEEE! *Barf* Really? Do you REALLY need to see this movie? I mean, how many times in a lifetime do you need to watch the same thing before you realize that Hollywood is just taking your money? *sigh*

BUT WAIT! It gets BETTER! *Sarcasm* The next steaming pile is called "The Change Up" starring Ryan Reynolds as a man whore, and Jason Bateman as a married guy. The two of them go out one night, drink a lot and then Jason Bateman wishes he were Ryan Reynolds and THEY SWITCH PLACES!! OMG! TOATZ ORIGINAL! Ugh, remember when they made this movie the first three times, and it was called "Freaky Friday"? I love Ryan Reynolds, and I have since "Two Guys and a Girl", but he's fast approaching on Anee Hathaway and Natalie Portman territory where it's like "How can I have time to miss you if you never go away?". I'm happy for these people because they're successful, but when they're cast in EVERY movie EVER made, it makes me tire of them rather quickly.

Yes! Finally! Another movie that shits all over marriage and having kids! OMG! It's the WORST! Amiright?!  Sleeping around like a manwhore when you're well into your thirties is so cool. The STD's alone are A-MAZ-ING! It's like playing Russian roulette with your dick! There are no redeeming qualities to having a partner and kids. I mean, your life ends when you get married, right? UGH. Movies like this piss me off to no end.

The last movie trailer we was was for a movie called "The Help" (based off of the book by the same name) starring Emma Stone. This is the only movie of the bunch that I'd actually go see. The tagline on IMDB is the following:

"A look at what happens when a southern town's unspoken code of rules and behavior is shattered by three courageous women who strike up an unlikely friendship."

It's set in the 1960's in Mississippi, where African-American women were good enough to raise the rich white folks kids, but not good enough to use the same bathroom. Of all of the trailers I saw, this was the only one that made me want to see it. The Editor thinks that Emma Stone is going for the Oscar on this one too, because it's a period piece and she's uglied up in it. 

This is fast becoming my longest rant ever, so I'll try and wrap it up. To summarize:

*I will not go to another movie past 3 PM because I refuse to pay $11 to share an armrest with a stranger.

*If you are in a movie, you do NOT need to check your cell phone, so don't be an asshole and do it.

*I do not require a running commentary of the movie, so shut your fucking mouth.

*Any candy that is in a crinkly bag needs to be opened before the movie starts.

*Don't clap and cheer for the movie. They can't hear you. It's a movie.

*Respect the people sitting next to you. Just because you're a teenager (which generally makes you the most obnoxious person in the room) and your parents gave you money to go to the movies and get out of their house for two hours, respect the fact that some people work for a living, and $11 is a lot of money to spend wanting to punch you in the face.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! I'll catch you when I can. xoxo

1 comment:


    With the exception of the last movie, I agreed with you 1000%. This is why I hate to go to the movies. I can wait for it to come out on Netflix and then watch it on my TV in the comfort of my living room. Which is a lot better than watching the other people in the jail cell you're now in for snapping and choking the crap out of someone in the theater.
    I'm so glad I chose to follow this blog, and good luck with the baby!